Thoughts & Prayers in May

This morning I want to type. Just get it out of my head and on the page. Jim’s been feeling blue this weekend. I’m feeling down.

I read the Psalms this morning after a wonderful sermon this weekend about free will and God’s goodness (Sean Hurley at Rolling Hills Covenant Church). We had a relaxing Memorial Day weekend. We have food in the fridge and money in the bank. The kids have done well in school. I’m doing things I love which are coming together. Jim seems to be satisfied with his studies and happy for the year. We have a lot to be grateful for.

But I am sleepy. I took a 4 hour nap yesterday. The boys fight/argue constantly (though they make up later). They’re not motivated to excel in music. They’re happy to live with a bathroom that stinks. Jim is melancholy and unexpressive. A supporter writes to invite us for dinner and I can’t work out which date might be best. My parents call sounding like they’re fishing for a chance to get together and I don’t have the energy to make it happen.

We had a good visit to church, but I when I go, I feel like an alien. After being gone 10 years, we have so few good friends there. We feel loved and affirmed whenever we’re there, but it feels awkward and strange. I mean, we’ve been sending monthly news for 10 years, so some people have read it and been praying, but the other direction is occasional emails or a family Christmas photo and letter. I don’t know who’s died, who’s divorced, who’s going through financial hardship, “who’s made it big,” but the biggest I don’t know is: I don’t know who genuinely cares about us. On one hand, I’m amazed that there is anyone who still regularly prays for us after all these years. But I’m not ignorant that some of the “we pray for you” comments are more good intentions than fact. And really, it’s not like I think we deserve anything, or that anyone owes me a relationship; we’re the ones who left them afterall! Life is so busy for everyone, I feel like we’re a burden to have good intentions to accommodate. We live in a fast paced culture, careening us from one activity to the next, day after day, week after week, so it’s only natural that friends who live on the other side of the world are “out of sight, out of mind.” I want to be positive, so I am when I’m there, but in the back of my mind I have these questions. I am secure in Christ. I know he will care for and provide for us. However, coming back this year, and realizing that we’re not on the social radar for our old friends, and new friends are hard to make (who wants to invest in a friendship if you’re only going to be around for a year and may ask for financial support at the end of that year?) it’s made me realize the relational sacrifice this career choice has meant to our family. I suppose it’s the same for anyone who moves for work long term to another country, but other expats don’t have that added “support raising” awkward dimension to their friendships back home.

The boys have taken up playing catch. Tyler went to the MHS baseball game and I know he wishes he were a ball player too. I asked him and he agreed. He wishes he’d played baseball over these years so that he could be at the same level with these guys. He feels out-of-it, behind and like he’s missed out. All of this goes hand in hand with his feelings of extreme priviledge to have lived in different countries and have traveled so extensively. He enjoys the fact that he’s unique. How many American kids can say they went to two years of a Chinese kindergarten? Held boa constrictors? Taken a ride on an elephant?

I’ve lost my journal. In it written so many notes for talks, or prayers or insights and lessons that brought healing of old wounds. I don’t want to forget those lessons. But the journal’s been missing for weeks now and I’ve almost exhausted the places to search for it.

Lord, if it’s your will I know you can bring that journal back to me. If not, let me relinquish it and it’s contents to you. Help me to grieve its loss and move on not holding any grudges or be angry with myself for losing it.

I’m not as prepared as I’d like to be for talking to Lin Sexton today for preparing for the CITA conference, a track on THEATRE in MISSIONS. I’ve not invited enough people to attend.

Lord, rule over our conversation today. Give us your inspiration and ideas for what to bring to that training. Give us good communication and enjoyment working together. Thank you for the joy of knowing Lin all these years and the chance to do this track this year.

I’m supposed to sing today for my Music 9 class. It’s the last meeting. I’ve been practicing this song all semester. The regular accompanist doesn't play jazz, so my teacher was going to come and play for me. But she wrote last night that she’s sick and won’t be able to make it. I’m not quite sure what to do and I’m sad that I’ve done so much rehearsing, without being able to perform for the class. I missed the chance to sing any solo in the Jazz concert 2 weeks ago, so it makes this missed opportunity a bit more painful.

Lord I pray for Greg Jaspers, my Vocal Jazz Ensemble director, and his good friend Luke with the Lou Gherig’s disease. I pray for all those guys in the group. I wish I’d had more of a chance to get to know them. Give me more chances to talk with Andrew, I ask for a special time to share you with him. I pray you bring healing to Mary Durst’s voice. I pray you give me inspiration and joy over whatever happens in my last class today. I pray for little Natasha, the other girl who was going to sing with Mary. She seems like she has a lot of challenges. Give her health and joy.

I’m unsure about how I really feel about being in the school's dance recital, even though the choreographer Jessica has made a special part for me in the dance. I have “the lead” as she’s said yesterday. You see, I was wringing my hands and head over how much time this recital will take. I’m having trouble juggling life with so many other things going on. I thought perhaps I’m not that important, so I sent a text message. WELL! That was a WRONG choice! Next time the text will merely say, “call me when you’re free.” In the end, I’ve found out how much it meant to Jessica for me to take the role, and that it wasn’t just a matter of me being an easy replacement. I’m willing to make it work and be there for the rehearsals and do the 2 nights performances. But, I’m still stinging from the verbal tongue lashing I got on my phone messages from my dance teacher, who reacted very angrily when he was shown the original text that I sent to his assistant the choreographer. Though we resolved the issue as a misunderstanding over the phone, what he said was angry and harsh. In class yesterday he came up to me wordlessly and gave me a hug. I guess it was his way of apologizing and saying things are “okay” with him; that I’m not really as “cavalier, irresponsible, take advantage of him, unprofessional” a person as I was last Friday when I asked not to be in the recital.

Lord, I'm embarassed to be in a dance recital at my age. But I'm grateful for the honor of having a special part. Take the time I will invest in being around school for this show and let me be an encouragement to whoever you allow me to talk with. Let my being there and giving it my all be somehow inspiring to another dancer or audience member who thinks perhaps they are also "too old to be doing this."

No longer a stoic. Phoenix with true faith rises from the ashes.

I love that passage in Isaiah 61:1-4 it's become very real to me lately.

provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.

I'm going to use it as my theme passage for our Playback training in Cairo next week.

You see, January has brought a major breakthrough for me spiritually. It's about time.

During my college years I began to become an amazing stoic. A number of things went wrong those Biola years and I didn't navigate them very well. I've realized only recently that I'd wrongly concluded in my deep heart that God couldn't be trusted. And that life was ironic. My motto became "plan on the worst, and hope for the best. then you'll never be disappointed." (how dismal is that?) I memorized verses about his faithfulness, goodness and love, but i was only hoping that I could convince myself against what seemed to be evidence to the contrary.

I loved God and everyone else with all my mind and strength, but my heart and soul were, well, I sadly admit, a bit on the dead side. All these years since then, I've not been easily moved, or felt things very deeply. I didn't cry even when family members passed away. Never ached for children with tears for our 8 years of infertility. Never cried when saying goodbye to everyone when we left for China. Etc etc! By the time I was 20, I'd become like one of those pioneer women. A tough old broad. I read about this in The Allure of Hope (see side panel to order!) This is a book describing 2 ways we women respond to the world being fallen, when we know we were meant for Eden. One is "Clamoring," which is those of us who become workaholics trying to make everything right. The second is "Hovering," feeling hopeless and unworthy and despairing. I've been a mixture of both over the years. I'm glad for reading this book this year - as the author point readers to the way of hope. Living in a fallen world as light for goodness, with our sights set on eternity, knowing that Eden will be ours someday...just not NOW. Reading this in 2008 is good timing in my journey out of the clamoring and hovering ways I'd learned to respond to life.

A big step toward wholeness took place last year when I did the Beth Moore study "Breaking Free" with a group of women, many who were new believers. Surrounded by their fresh expressions of faith, and inarguably changed lives I was inspired to a fresh faith for myself. Since then i've been increasingly weak and weepy, often waking at night, mourning for others, tenderhearted to the point of brokenhearted over anything painful that I hear about. Though my own personal life is in a season of ease, I am unusually oppressed with sadness over the massive problems in the world and the individual tragedies that turn people's lives upside down. Emotionally I'm sensitive to and moved to tears by worship songs. I'm constantly crying, mourning, and praying for what seems like everything. This is kind of nuts to my guys. Our family life seems like its in a springtime of ease and delight. More than ever I am enjoying the NOW, living in the moment; paying attention to the sound of Jim breathing while he sleeps, watching the kids playing football with the neighbor kids, or learning to flirt, or spending $6 on some healthy drink at Jamba Juice, I can't just enjoy it. I'm constantly aware that it could change any moment.

One night last November, while hot tears soaked my pillow in the blackness of the night, I asked the Lord, "am I going to be this weak forever? Am I always going to be such a basket case?" And I sensed strongly an immediate reply. I can't remember the last time I'd known God to speak to me so clearly. But no doubt about it, I heard clearly and confidently what I didn't expect to hear:

"No. You're not. But you need to be weak for now."

And instantly I knew it was him. I believed. Peace. I could now take it. All this angst. Now that I know God has some purpose in it, and it's not going to be forever. I'm not sure WHY I cry, but I'm starting to see it's to tenderize me and grow in my understanding of HIS broken heart toward the brokenness in the world, and build my trust in his goodness. No matter what.

A friend from out home church, with 9 kids, lost her husband in a tragic accident in November. I saw her recently at church, and she said, "I want to tell everyone to love their kids and their husbands NOW, pay attention to them now while you still have them." As she said it, i was thinking how this is exactly what I'm doing... thinking at any minute God might take them away from me.

In these early months of 2008 I've been coming to terms with the realization that I didn't absolutely trust God (I wrote about this below). It's been a long wrestling match with him over my need to trust in his unfailing goodness. It has been a strange, strange season, but I THINK I have finally submitted and am a believer.

Why?

In a recent quiet time, I read Psalm 51 "Search me O God and know my heart, try me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in your everlasting way." I then walked through my recollection of those old teenage situations where I thought he'd been capricious and mean. I asked him to search my heart. I asked him to show me where he was during that season. And for the first time realized he had been there, but I had misinterpretted him due to my own sin and justifications for selfish actions. I had misunderstood his leading and had blamed him for things that I had not, until now, owned my part in.

So am I healed? We shall see the next time some personally difficult episode comes my way.

It's hard enough to believe in and be absoluetely surrendered to God's unfailing love, when hearing of other's suffering, or when I think of what sin has wrought on this planet.

When it is my turn for tragedy, will I choose to believe he is good and experience a comfort that Scripture and other believers say only he can give? Or will I give in to the temptation to believe that this is polyanna hopefulness and see it as more proof that he really can't be trusted?

Loving God with my Heart, not just Soul, Strength and Mind

Jesus said that the greatest commandment was to "love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength and with all your mind" (from the Old Testament, Jewish law in Deuteronomy). All these years I've been loving him with my soul, strength and mind, but my heart was kind of dead. These past couple years I've been on this healing process. Listening to songs where the lyrics are about his unfailing love (a playlist on my itunes!), reading the Psalms and knowing it's okay to doubt or be frustrated in not understanding the messes in this world, but that the Psalmist always comes back to reaffirming his trust in the "Almighty God." I've done a wonderful Bible study with some other women called "Breaking Free," these have all been steps to bring healing and find His perspective on the past. Yes, my heart has been dead, but this year i feel like it is coming back to life.

I've had some great conversations with older women who are also following Jesus. I even had a couple of great counseling sessions, and had a chance for some people to pray what is called "healing prayer" for me. These tears of mine are making up for lost time! Washing away the hurts from so long ago, and reviving my absolute undoubting trust in the goodness of God and his care for me. I imagine that this Easter (and doing the Lenten devotions I mentioned in our last enews) is going to be such a time of repentence for me - in light of the cross, how could I have ever doubted his love for me when he did that?

Prayer of Consecration for the New Year

from Hannah Whithall Smith's, The Christian's Secret of a Happy Life (1872).

This classic is just what I need to be reading at the beginning of this new year, at this point in my journey of realizing that there is still a part of my heart that is guarded against trusting implicitly in God's goodness. All around me is a world full of Christians she describes:

"You have found Jesus as your Saviour.... You have carefully studied the Holy Scriptures.... but in spite of it all, your souls are starving and dying within you, and you cry out in secret, again and again...." ch 1

But she insists this is not the way it has to be.

"...the Scriptures do set before the believer in the Lord Jesus a life of abiding rest and continual victory, which is very far beyond the ordinary run of Christian experience; and that in the Bible we have presented to us a Saviour able to save us from the power of our sins as really as he saves us from their guilt."

And here's what it boils down to:
1. Entire surrender to the Lord and
2. Perfect trust in him.

(so simple, and yet, so very difficult!)
"He made you, and therefore he understands you, and knows how to manage you; and you must trust Him to do it. Say to him, 'Here, Lord, I abandon myself to thee. I have tried in every way I could think of to manage myself, and to make myself what I know I ought to be, but have always failed. Now I give it up to thee. Do thou take entire possession of me. Work in me all the good pleasure of thy will. Mold and fashion me into such a vessel as seemeth good to thee. I leave myself in thy hands, and I believe thou wilt, according to thy promise, make me into a vessel unto thy own honor, 'sanctified, and meet for the master's use, and prepared for every good work' "Next, you must lay off every other burden....everything that concerns you, whether inward or outward....We know we are helpless as regards the future, but we feel the present wa in our own hands, and must be carried on our own shoulders.... Most people...take their burdens to Him, but they bring them away with them again, and are just as worried and unhappy as ever. But I take mine and leave them with Him, and come away and forget them. If the worry comes back, I take it to Him again; and I do this over and over, until at last I just forget I have any worries, and am at perfect rest."

Oh, this strikes me first as pollyanna. But I read on about what it means to become like a little child as Jesus spoke of and in my heart of hearts, and as a mother of two boys I adore and would do anything for, it makes sense!

"He is our Father, and He loves us, and He knows just what is best, and therefore, of course, His will is the very most blessed thing that can come to us under any circumstances. I do not understand how it is that the eyes of so many Christians have been blinded to this fact. But it really would seem ais if God's own children were more afraid of His will than of anything else in life, --His lovely, lovable will, which only means loving-kindness and tender mercies, and blessings unspeakable to their souls!....Heaven is a place of infinite bliss because His will is perfectly done there, and our lives share in this bliss just in proportion as His will is perfectly done in them. He loves us, --loves us I say, --and the will of love is always blessing for its loved one."

So, there it is, the secret: Entire Abandonment and Absolute Faith.

"No matter what may be the complications of your peculiar experience, no matter what your difficulties, or your surroundings, or your "peculiar temperament," these two steps, definitely taken and unwaveringly persevered in, will certainly bring you out sooner or later in the green pastures and still waters of this life hid with Christ in God. You may be perfectly sure of this."

She closes ch 4 with another prayer of consecration:
"Lord Jesus, I believe that thou art able and willing to deliver me from all the care and unrest and bondage of my Christian life. I believe thou didst die to set me free, not only in the future, but now and here. I believe thou art stronger than sin, and that thou canst keep me, in my extreme of weakness, from falling into its snares or yielding obedience to its commands. And, Lord, I am going to trust thee to keep me. I have tried keeping myself, and have failed, and failed, most grievously. I am absolutely helpless. So now I will trust thee. I give myself to thee. I keep back no reserves. Body, soul, and spirit, I present myself to thee as a piece of clay, to be fashioned into anything thy love and they wisdom shall choose...I trust thee utterly, and I trust thee now."

Can you pray this with me for 2008? WIll you? I dare you!

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Why All This Sorrow?

I had a sweet, tear-filled evening with an old old and very godly
friend from our home church. He caught me up on his life since his
wife of 55 years died. 3 summers ago when we were back she'd just
been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease - like Parkinsons but really
debilitating and for which there is no cure. We saw them again 2
summers ago and prayed together, knowing that it would be the last
time we saw her. She died before we got back this last summer, but I
haven't had a chance to see him until last night. I played for him
the Five for Fighting song "100 Years." Did you read about how i found
that on Tyler's 15th birthday last weekend? If you haven't heard it,
have a listen. It's posted on YouTube.

Two nights ago I finally made connection with a counselor. I've felt
like i need some professional guidance to process something. Divine
guidance led me to who I should talk to about it, so we've set a date
for next Wednesday. If you've been reading my blogs, then you may
have come across me writing about this mysterious deep sadness that
has settled over me this past year. I cry nearly everyday, multiple
times a day sometimes, and often don't know the reason, except for
the ills of the world, and wishing that we could be in heaven where
Christ is king and sin and it's results are gone. The regular flowing
of tears for me is like a dam has broken. I hadn't sentimentally
cried for over 20 years. Since college years, my tears, when I'd
break down and get emotional, was usually over something I was very
angry about (this made it difficult as an acting student, then an
actor. I couldn't cry naturally when i was being myself, let alone as
another character).

Now I'm just a puddle. A sap. But even when I don't know why exactly
I'm crying it somehow feels like I'm purging something in my soul.
Washing some deep seated grief away. Which seems kinda crazy when for
all external circumstances, my life really couldn't be more perfect.
I'm really happy with where I am. My kids are great. I adore my
husband who loves me back. So why all this sorrow? It's very weird. I
woke up again last night in the middle of the night and once awake
began to cry. I'd think I'd cried enough and could go back to sleep
and would start again. It went on for 2 1/2 hours. I went out to the
couch so that my sobbing wouldn't wake Jim. It seems very strange. I
came across Psalm 77 the other day and found comfort in the ancient
poetry. It would seem that Asaph went through something just like me....

For the last 8 years in Asia...

We've been in Singapore the last 8 years, and only lived in "the motherland" for those first 2 years of language study. Singapore is quite safe and advanced...in some ways more than USA! Much of what Jim does in Singapore, with Singaporean Chinese or traveling with missionaries and church leaders is on behalf of China...but our direct ministry in China is minimal. We will never master the language, and are in a more supportive role to those who can do ministry there with more cultural ease than us white folk westerners.

It's much more fun and adventurous to live in China, so we do miss living there. Singapore is a sanitized city...and an island on the equator, so it's ALWAYS hot and muggy. But it's where we've felt we can make a better "kingdom contribution" with what God's given us, even if it's not so adventurous! (and more expensive!)

As for our healthcare, we're not in China, and we feel in many ways like Singapore is better than the US (every bit as advanced, and more accessible). Fortunately for us, while we were in China, even with Cameron being a baby and toddler those years, we never had anything life threatening. I did have a few opportunities to visit a hospital or clinic, and is was quite frightening. Chinese are very proud of the developments in their country and naive about the outside world. Once my very educated friend asked me why all the western women leave China to have their babies. Having seen her incision scar from her c-section birth, I showed her my barely noticeable scar hidden even if I wanted to wear a bikini! Enough said. While we were there we took out insurance to be flown out in case of such an emergency.

It was more than 3 lonely years in Singapore before some wonderful connections and opportunities came my way. 1997-2003 were very humbling years, Jim and I both grew in our NEED for Jesus, and became less driven...if you know what I mean. In the past year however, it was a sweet season of Springtime, for Jim with the growth of CRM Singapore - a mentoring organization for Christian leaders.

From the beginning in January 2000, the Lord connected him with some of the most influential pastors/leaders in Singapore to "sponsor" him and give him credibility among Christian leaders there and he began some a mentoring network for some Singaporean pastors. He now has some really gifted Godly Singaporean pastors who are on staff (they raise their own support) and are working alongside him. His being away this year, gives them (as respectful Asians), the permission to lead the organization without deferring to Jim about decisions. God's timing was pretty amazing in orchestrating that.

I also had a great few months before leaving for the year. Teaching theatre in a seminary for a "Certificate of Creative Arts" program, passing that job on to one theatre artist who sees me as a mentor. And then a sweet goodbye party from the artists I've come to know and love. I was invited to be one of three singers in a concert at the old Parliament Bldg called "The Arts House" (and I've never really seen myself as a singer, but it was a great experience). I also took a coaching course last year, from our CRM colleagues who live with us in Singapore, but do their training all over, and do their follow up teleclasses through skype.

With the internet it's so amazing that we can have ministry anywhere, from anywhere! I have one guinea pig coaching client to practice this new skill. She's a singer from Canada who i met while she was living in Taiwan. She's now taking a spiritual sabbatical in the mid-west. She's not really a client. I think I'm more HER client. What a sweet connection it is to talk to her every couple of weeks. Another gal is a drama educator who just moved to Macau, China because her husband is working for the Cirque du Soleil show there. I guess with all my transitions I'm an empathetic listener to younger artists in transition!

I don't know what the future holds, but this year is so nice to be back reconnecting with friends and supporters. We're here until mid-July. When we get back, we'll need to find and move into a new apartment, clean the mold off stuff in storage, and get the kids in school by the time it starts the first part of August. Rents have doubled while we're away (ah those speculators because of Singapore building 2 integrated resort/casinos!), and the value of the dollar has gone down, so we'll need to do some support raising before we return too.

Reflecting on 2007

In 2007 I learned to…
be more thankful & grateful.... COACH and work toward ICF certification....Drafting.... Perspective Drawing.... Make a model.... Google pages.... Visual Journaling.


I grew most in…
Theatre History knowledge, scenic design, and technical theatre (even the shop tools!)....Joining in with the family in their never ending talk about sports, I could actually enjoy watching some of it and talking about it (some of it)....my teacher role as lecturer at TCA and teaching in other arenas.... going with the flow, being less driven HA! I grew in my flakeyness....i also grew in my frailty and weakness. Tears came very easily this year.


Another way I saw myself growing was…
that I can give up on the wish that I'd been more understood and less subtly alienated in my perfect happy family as a child and young person. They love me and celebrate me now. And have for years. I can gratefully embrace that now and let the rest be bygones.

One of my best adventures was…
Organizing my little drama club to sing and dance in Chinese at Outram MRT for Chinese New Year.

I saw/knew God was doing something when…
M. opened her previously unopened Bible and becan to read the Gospel of John to me.... I loved listening to Podcasts from American Theatre Wing so ARDENTLY.... Praying for miracles, actually saw some happen!

A real gift from God was…
friendship with Namiko Chan & Leezibet Heinz-Raiden.... Hearing the song UNWRITTEN on my birthday, and then being able to share it the same day with EDR who needed to hear it too.... EVENING PRIMROSE.... Being a part of the CRM Women of Influence conference in Colorado and next in Austria.

Something I really enjoyed doing more of was…
spending time chatting with Stephanie McDermott in her kitchen while Cameron had cello with Matthew.... praying with and for people.... exploring enacted prayer.

One of the happiest memories of 2006 I’d like to freeze in my mind…
how proud my boys were of their mom after the Alabaster Jar concert.... well, that whole concert was pretty amazing.... especially the impact of GRATITUDE on the audience.

I was really brave when…
I sang a CHINESE song in that concert.

Something I’ve grieved about this year was… just about everything it would sometimes seem. Loonni's family and their seemingly hopeless poverty (and that they represent millions of others i DON'T KNOW).... the lostness of man.... Crystal's challenges as a former convict.... Deanna Hoff's 2nd child - after the 1st was stillborn - is down syndrome.... child abuse or prostitution or sweat shops.... a slaying in Amish country.... the church and how alienating it is to newcomers.... feeling like an alien in my home country.... not knowing what I'm to do to help in important issues to change the world for good....

I’m still trying to learn what God wants to teach me through this hard experience…
why was tyler's setbacks in playing (not playing) football so emotionally devastating for me? I think I've got it figured out - it triggered and then opened up the core of some deep memories and wounds between me and God. A series of events in my teens that I didn't handle well. I'm not letting go of it until I really have clarity! Also, losing our sweet Rascal the week before we left Singapore. Why did he have to die? That was way way way unexpected.

The best word of advice or encouragement I can remember is…
Evening Primrose & glucosamine for premenstrual depression and painful creaky joints! (thanks Caroline Farris!)...."You don't realize how valued your words are and the influence you have. People respect you. People listen when you speak." (Paul Rhodes CRM VP said to me in Thailand. I think my mouth was gaping open when he said it, but as the year went on, I realized that I could humbly accept this and hopefully walk in it responsibly)...."Everybody's equal to you at the foot of the cross." (Stephanie McDermott having observed me at something I was unaware anyone paid attention to.).... "I will not leave you bereft." -Scripture, the words of the LORD.

One thing I’m looking forward to in 2008 is…
winding up our family time in USA well...
but i can't just say one thing! ....taking a dance class.... spending more time with my family.... the Christians in Theatre Conference at Azusa Pacific Univerity - helping with the Theatre in Missions track.... beginning my career as a podcasting interviewer of CITA mentors!.... a Seasoned Sisters group with RHCC female friends.... a trip to teach drama to Christians in Cairo, Egypt.... How God is going to provide more financial supporters as we head back to Singapore.

Alabaster Jar 2: My Singapore Playlist & Story

SONG 1: YOU NEVER REMIND ME:
Frank Murphy, Jack Wildhorn. Linda Eder’s Album It’s No Secret Anymore

Since the first time I heard this song 7 years ago, I’ve dreamed of singing it for my husband James…and now I got to kick off my Alabaster Jar set with it. The eclectic mix of music you’re going to hear from me are all songs I’ve come to know and love since moving to Singapore. It’s my ipod’s playlist of Kimberly’s Singapore. Songs I’d love to sing for someone…anyone… if I ever got the chance. Thanks to Donna Ong and TAGS for their invitation to sing tonight. I hope you’ll enjoy listening to them as much as I’ve enjoyed picking them and rehearsing them with my friends who are with me here, Deniece Foo on keyboard, Lee Meng Cham on guitar and Charles Wong on bass.

When Jim, Tyler, Cameron and I first moved to Singapore, we were settling into life in a Tampines HDB, going to local schools, and learning the wonders of Singlish, and to love all our local foods. I first learned of this song and the next one through radio on the internet. Do you remember getting broadband for the first time? Singapore was so sophisticated, especially so after living in a dorm in China for 2 years.

But those first few years here were lonely ones. It’s kind of unusual for an expat family to move here with the intention of staying long term, and our heartlander neighbors weren’t quite sure what to do with us. In some strange way, this next song ROMANCIN THE BLUES appealed to me in my spiritual life. My soul felt a bit like singing it to God as I mopped floors, hung out the washing and walked back and forth from Fair Price with my little grocery cart. I was wondering for a long time if I’d just come to Singapore to have the blues and get old. Thank God he led me out of that wilderness, and now it’s just a fun song to sing.

SONG 2: ROMANCIN THE BLUES
Frank Murphy, Jack Wildhorn. Linda Eder’s Album It’s No Secret Anymore

We’d been living here more than 3 years when I was asked to record a demo of this next song,
IT FEELS LIKE HOME, by Randy Newman as a pitch for a commercial (that I don’t think ever got made).
Before the recording session, I remember driving into town, listening to and learning the words to this song, coming around the highway on the ECP, the part that looks over our skyline and beautiful harbor, and crying. Bawling.
I realized singing these lyrics that for the first time I was finally at home here and could truly sing this song from my heart. IT FEELS LIKE HOME TO ME.
It’s a good feeling.
Many of you who’ve had to make home in a new place, when you went away from Singapore or in coming here. I hope that you can get to this place where it feels like home for you too.
So, as you hear this song, I hope that you can relate to it in some way. Whether it’s about Singapore or about being in a great relationship, or it could even be about the contented sense of belonging you get from God who loves and protects you. I hope you’ll enjoy it.

SONG 3: FEELS LIKE HOME TO ME, Randy Newman Originally sung by Bonnie Raitt

If we’re honest ---- even those of us fortunate enough to find lasting love and great friends ---- if we’re honest, we still feel that there’s something missing. No one can REALLY know us, even a practically perfect husband or an uber best friend.
Even if, even if you’ve had parents who told you everyday that they are proud of you and love you. No person can really meet our needs or make us feel whole.
Wow. That’s a downer.
But it’s really not.
On our dark days of feeling unloved or misunderstood or alone in the world that’s where faith becomes way more than just a religious practice.
We’re usually more aware of the presence of God when we’re needy, and it’s comforting and frightening at the same time.
This song NO ONE KNOWS MY HEART by Susan Ashton is about just that.

SONG 4: NO ONE KNOWS MY HEART, Susan Ashton, Wakened by the Wind

I hope this isn’t getting too preachy some of you. It’s just my story. I can’t be myself and not say stuff like this.
I added that last song and the next two to my playden playlist because they are songs that keep my artists’ heart spiritually centred when the world gets too confusing or pain filled.
I’ve been a Christian since I was 5 years old, but it’s only in these last few years has my faith begun to move from my head to my heart. I’ve finally come to a place where I need Jesus. I’m starting to get it that I don’t have to earn his love, and that he LOVES the way he made me, or, I’m not just hearing about this deep abiding peace that transcends our day to day hassles, but I’ve begun experiencing it. Experiencing it even when I’m so frustrated with the mess the world is in. Frustrated trying to reconcile the mess of problems in this world with an ALMIGHTY & LOVING GOD who STUPIDLY -- I mean -- Sovereignly gave humankind the free will to make such a mess on this planet. And why am I so blessed when so many others are suffering? And what can I do about it to make a difference? And why does it take so much work to build and keep healthy relationships?
Ah. ARTISTS! We think about these things all the time! We feel things so deeply! The lyrics of Nichole Nordeman and Steven Curtis Chapman sing about such things. Some of you have listened with me to their music in the past couple of years. Here’s GRATITUDE by Nichole Nordeman.

SONG 5: GRATITUDE, Woven and Spun

For a few years I met regularly with a small group of artist friends. I used to tell them “I am going to hurt you. It’s inevitable. It’s human. You are going to hurt each other. We will have misunderstandings. Promise me, if we’re going to build strong frienships based on trust, promise me that you will keep short accounts with one another. Promise me that you will let me know if I’ve hurt you so that we can patch things up.”
….It’s really tough in our Asian culture to do that. Speak the truth when it’s hard. It’s so much easier to hold grudges and move on rather than confront problems. We’re all so very lame at doing relationships right. I still have such a LONG way to go.
I think you’ll identify with this next song by Steven Curtis Chapman MIRACLE OF MERCY. Thank God he does’nt give up on us. Thank God he’s always forgiving no matter how badly we mess up.

SONG 6: MIRACLE OF MERCY, Steven Curtis Chapman Heaven in the Real World

Tonight, you get to witness another miracle. You get to hear me make good on a new year’s resolution: to publically sing a song in Chinese! Humour me. It’s a good old song for saying “goodbye.” With the Creasmans getting geared up to go back to USA for a year, I wanted to learn it and sing it for friends in the audience who’ve cheered me on in my singing. And those who’ve told me my Chinese is great even though I know it’s NOT. So it might be a little corny, and I’m cheating to sing only PART of it in Chinese, but those of you who’ve done much Karaoke will be a little surprised that there’s a new English version of a tune you’ll recognize.

SONG 7: THE BLESSING, orig Jacky Cheung, as recorded on Steven Curtis Chapman album Musical Blessings, released in China

You know, until late last year when Dawn started talking about doing this thing, I never dreamed I’d sing a concert.
We’ll maybe I did in my heart of hearts…but I never really SAID it.
Is there something that you dream of doing?
Recently I’ve talked to a bunch of people who have some pretty big dreams that they’re only just sharing with someone.
What is your dream? What do you want? In theatre, in acting, we call it THE SUPER OBJECTIVE. What is it the character, what is it that you want?
One last song from me tonight.
And it’s for you…because ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

SONG 8: ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN, Frank Murphy, Jack Wildhorn. Linda Eder’s Album It’s No Secret Anymore

FYI: Wanting to be on the up and up for this gig, we got a PERMIT from COMPASS to sing these copywrited songs. Permit no: 0704552. Did you know that technically evertime a song is played or sung publically it needs to have a permit to do it? Drag. The minimum fee for a ticketed event – no matter how small is $150! (for us that is about 10% of gross ticket sales!) Differing venues have different rates. This year there are only 2 venues in Singapore with annual permits that cover any performance going on there (Victoria Concert Hall and DBS Auditorium). Yikes. Did you know that the fines can be up to $10,000 per song? Ouch. More of the hard news at their website: www.compass.org.sg

Elevator Speech

I gather resources and connect creative people to help us all use the arts for increasingly significant Kingdom of God purposes. In one-to-one meetings, small groups, or through performing I practice the gift of exhortation and pastor/shepherd to help others live out their unique God inspired destiny.

Answwering Questions late on a Sunday

Okay, I'm going to try to get this done NOW because this next week it will CERTAINLY get buried in the inbox!

Praying for every spiritual and personal Blessing on all of you on the Missions team at home...

God is so good! (he's even giving grace to me to break the sabbath and do a little work tonight!)

it's great to be a part of the extended body of Christ at FEFC.

K!Mberly

We describe your work this way: Jim leads CRM Singapore, a mentoring movement of local pastors, mission agency leaders, and Christian CEO's. Helping develop Chinese Christian leaders in Singapore is considered strategic because they will be well-equipped to help develop small groups in the mainland. Kimberly is a dramatist who uses theatre as her springboard for ministry in churches and schools, as well as a ministry with those not yet following Jesus who work in the entertainment industry.

Is this description accurate? Are we missing anything important?

Yes! it's great!

How has the work been in the last six months? Do you foresee the work changing in the next year?

This year Kimberly has added teaching for Theological Centre for Asia. She's teaching the 2 core theatre courses for a "certificate in creative arts ministry" (Helped design the curriculum and the courses started last August)

I'm leading a weekly prayer time for the egroup I faciltate: 300+ believers in Singapore who are passionate about Jesus and the Arts. I met one of the members of this egroup in church today (just by 'chance' HA.) he's been reading my pastoral posts, and hadn't been in a church for years! He'd come for a baby dedication. I slipped into the empty seat next to him and for the first time in the 5 years we've been attending, the pastor said, introduce yourself to someone new and spend the next 3 minutes getting to know them!

Also, I started a new mentoring group with 3 women/artists on Fridays. One of the women, a stage-manager/dancer has just taken a position with Emerits Airline to be stationed in Dubai as a tentmaker/flight attendant. Another is a theatre practitioner who's recently 'come back to the Lord' and is really growing spiritually as she walks with him and knows his healing power over some deep hurts in her past. I look forward to seeing how God is going to use this new friendship between these two women -- as mutual support. The 3rd is Jim's new Administrator for CRM Singapore.

I'm singing more. Have been invited to do a concert at a classy arts venue (the old parliment building downtown) on April 27th with a few other soloists and musicians. "alabaster jar" is the name of the concert and will include sharing our faith along with our music.

A long time answer to prayer came last month when Jim hired a very capable Administrator (Executive Support!) and the first Singaporean has begun to serve as CRMSingapore staff. Two other pastors consider themselves part-time staff in this mentoring ministry which has taken a lot of germination time - People needed to experience it first hand to believe in and practice a new paradigm of leading and mentoring others.

The big change for us is that we are in the process of packing up and storing our lives in Singapore, and will be taking a year in Pasadena starting June 2007. It is our 10th year as missionaries and our eldest son's 9th grade year. After reading and interviewing others about TCK issues, we have decided to spend a year in the states when the boys are in 9th grade (in another 4 years it will be Cameron's turn and Tyler will be starting University). This coming year, besides connecting with our supporters, and keeping connected with some of the ministry in Singapore, Jim will work on a ThM and I will be taking courses in theatre and the integration of faith and art. We are VERY COMMITTED to returning to Singapore in 2008 (and a couple times through the year as well). We are "permanent residents" here and that means a lot to Singaporeans (even though we didn't have to give up our US citizenship!)

During this year I hope that there will be opportunities to do some theatre workshops, teaching and perhaps even performing for the Creative Arts Departments of our two "home churches" Rolling Hills and FEFC. 

What has been encouraging to you? What has been difficult?

all of the above has been encouraging. And that all of last year I was struggling with pain related to a neck injury which went away the day after I put it in an email prayer letter and asked our friends to pray for me.

Difficult?

i've been spending more time personally in prayer with artists and the difficult part is that I'm not a counselor. There are A LOT of needs and spiritual strongholds. I've never before been so dependent on the LORD. Seriously. Especially if we walk through the Steps to Freedom in Christ (Neil Anderson's workbook). Taking back ground the Enemy has stolen from these women doesn't happen without a fight.

Are you connected to a group that you worship with regularly?

Yes. I have developed a sweet friendship with our sr. pastor's wife and sometimes go walking on Mondays with them on their day off. I also attend a women's bible study on Thursdays - and these women are the ones who are my dearest friends and a group I know are supportive sisters in Christ. I've been meeting early with some of them each week to pray specifically for their husbands who are not yet believers.

How are your finances?

I'll let Jim answer that one! We're definitely living by faith, and having to trust the Lord. It's been amazing to see how he's provided over these 10 years.

Is there some way that we can help you?

After I have a chance to read over the "missionary re-entry packet" I'll know more of what's in store...

Do you know of anyone in the Pasadena area with a nice little place needing occupants for a year (the rents there are pricey and Providence Homes only has a 2 bedroom/1bath available to us). You have heard the story about how we've been living in a penthouse the last 2 years? (the MOST AMAZING VIEW in town!) I learned then that sometimes God wants to give us nice things...and, "it doesn't hurt to ask."

Are there specific things we can pray for?

Spiritual and emotional strength. I have an artistic temperament and feel things deeply. I need the Holy Spirit's protection to fight the blues and remain strong confident in the Lord!

Our prayer is that we'll get spiritual and intellectual nourishment in USA this coming year. Clear leading from the Lord on how to invest in others while we're back.

Praying that Jim is a blessing to RHCC this weekend as he brings the Missions Conference/50th Anniversary message.

now you have too much in your inbox

The email count today is 5674 in my inbox and another 212 in a folder
I named "action items" to put the really important ones in so they
don't get lost among all the others in the inbox :-). All that with a
SUPER HEAVY DUTY SPAM FILTER that often snags emails that i want or
need!

now you see why we need an administrative assistant or something! I'm
working on our "CRM newsletter" mailing list this week a little -
ugh. Changed from pc to mac more than a year ago and I'm just getting
around to to double checking the snail mailing list 'cause it wasn't
presto chango conversion of the data. As an entirely right brained
person, NUMBERS are my "thorn in the flesh."

Between Jim and I, and the different groups we swim around with, we
are the king and queen of communication and networking. He has so
many egroups and mailing lists it makes my head spin to think about
what he's keeping track of with all those pastors and missionaries
and and and. now he has Singapore's UCLA Alumni Association. He
recently found there was one here (they tried to make him president
last weekend - smart man - he declined!)

ME? For awhile (when we were new here just meeting everyone for the
first time in singapore) I was starting to think that perhaps our
brains and hearts have a limit to how many people you can meet in a
lifetime. And I thought that I had reached my quota. Names came in my
ears, bypassed my heart and floated right out of my head. But I'm
over that now, and meeting new people every week.

Still, sometimes I imagine myself in this conversation:

New Acquaintance: Hello! You're a missionary? Really? What do you do
for your ministry?

Kimberly: Oh, keep track of mailing lists mostly.

See, I hate administration. So I avoided it some more by writing more
to you!
HA HA. back to work.

K

The Unbuilt Bridge Between “Focusing Leaders” and Focused Artists

Yesterday morning:

I sit in The Arts Café, located in the beautiful Fine Arts library of Singapore. I sit with the many versions of Refocusing Leaders workbooks spread out on the table in front of me. I’ve half an hour before a young leader Dawn arrives to pray with me. This vibrant 22 year old, mime artist/magazine editor/web-designer/teacher prays with me every Monday for the arts community in Singapore. She and I moderate an egroup for Christians in the Arts. We pray by name for the many Christians we know who are arts practitioners here. Today we’re meeting at The Arts Café, because the new managers here are believers. They’d like to open the café as a venue for our egroup to meet.

So, what am I to do with these CRM notebooks and the ideas inside them I’m not the typical Focusing Leaders mentor. My husband is. Christian leaders gravitate toward him. God has blessed him with humility and a spiritual gift of Leadership. Focusing Leaders materials are effective tools for his servant influence in the lives of the Pastors, Business and Mission leaders here in Singapore. As his wife, I’ve been in a network, and have been a table coach for different FL retreats. I’ve taken the Facilitator Training. I’ve been empowered through the process to really embrace my calling, and to prioritize my life and work of “influencing more true artistry in believers, and seeing more artists become true believers.” Focusing Leaders has been very helpful to me personally. The convictions I’ve gained and the structure I’ve learned from Focusing Leaders helps keep my right brain on the right track (well staying on ANY track is a good thing for a right brained person!)

But how to pass it on? My circle of free spirit friends consists of those who balk at most structure and organization, would roll their eyes at monthly "Roles to Goals," and some really struggle with accountability and authority. All the references in Focusing Leaders of “Godly leader” isn’t even something they’re striving for. Even the word “leader” doesn’t fit most of them unless they are directing a play.

Though the word “Prophet” often describes the artists' role in society, and I can envision Christian artists who are clear about their Biblical Purpose and callings in Christ stepping into their role as society’s prophets with spiritual authority. However, I just don’t see the bridge for the gap between the reality of where they are, and what their potential is.

I’ve made a small step in finding a bridge. With a couple groups I’ve used the post-it note brainstorming concept to come up with ideas for "New Year’s Resolutions." We do them in categories of SPIRITUAL LIFE, FAMILY, PERSONAL, INTELLECTUAL, PROFESSIONAL etc. Though most relish the exercise, this year one of the actors refused to do it. She said they make her feel tied down and guilty when she doesn’t do them. My circle isn’t wrestling with difficult Elders, or how to manage family and demanding ministry commitments. My circle wants prayer for whether they ought to shoot a tv episode about pre-marital sex wearing only their underwear. Another needs a prayer for wisdom in speaking to her Muslim gay friend with AIDS who’s still sleeping around; or whether or not to buy marijuana for her unsaved boyfriend because “he’s nicer when he’s high.” Two of the women who see me as a mentor got married this weekend. Both are expecting in February.

Besides heaps of grace, what these friends -- who truly do love and desire to to live for Christ -- need is structure and organization, monthly roles to goals, accountability and authority. Again, I look down at the CRM notebooks on the table and see these are the key points of the Focusing Leaders curriculum, but the stuffy corporate package would never fly with them. I know that CRM is not about their curriculum, but it serves as a springboard for the relational coaching, the deep and honest communication, the genuine care we have for seeing the people we serve be everything they were meant to be in Christ. I keep praying for inspiration.

It’s not a question I’m going to solve today. And I’m not in a hurry either. I used to be. I used to be driven, amibtious, perfectionistic. Living overseas, I’ve learned to take myself a whole lot less seriously. I am a little impatient, but I know that God will direct my steps, in his time. He will bring some inspiration and motivation about helping artists be more focused. He'll open the door if I'm supposed to walk through it. For now, I’ll continue to collect other resources and workbooks on "character formation" and "calling" written specifically for artists. I’ll read. I’ll teach my theatre classes for Christians who want to be more creative. As moderator of the egroup, I’ll post pastoral encouragement to them as the Lord leads. But most of all, I’ll continue to build my circle of influence. My circle of professional artist friends which, by God’s grace, continues to grow in numbers if not in perceptible Christian maturity.

I see Dawn coming in the door now. Ah. Dawn. She’s a dynamic artist and emerging leader. She’s committed to growing in Godliness and sharing Christ and walking by faith in him with the same group of friends. For today, the FL notebooks get set aside. It’s time for both of us to pray.

My China Collage

I got inspired by a mishap with an Ikea frame I'd purchased for someone else. We broke the frosted glass before we'd even used it. Jim felt bad, but I'd been going through a box with memories from our years in China (1997-99). So, I went to work and made him this gift for his office.

Accepting who I am (and who I'm not) while in the USA

I'm invited to help Theological Centre for Asia to help put together the drama part of a year cert program in Creative Arts Ministry. Paul Seow has been working on it too. We both wrestle with the feeling that our education has been inadequate preparation for the things we'd like to do. Lecture in a Seminary? Without a Master's Degree? For months I've been writing out an extensive list of what kind of work, writing, and reading I've been doing in theatre, teaching and ministry since arriving in Singapore in Dec 2000. I'm hoping that if asked for it, this long list of accomplishments may suffice or make up for the fact that I've not worked on an advanced degree in theatre.

Another project: Though I took it on with excitement, when it comes down to it, I'm not that excited about writing a 5,000 word article for the National Council of Churches in Singapore. The chapter is to be called: "A Christian Response to Theatre." I'm interested in READING IT, and responding to what someone else might say, but I'm not motivated to write it, so I ask Dale Savidge of CITA to help - with the bulk of it - since it's more up his alley and he has things to say about it that would be worth reading. He'll end up writing the whole thing and I'll just add touches to make sure it fits Singapore.

While stressing over getting this written while on the road, we're looking into what the future might hold for us if we return to Southern California for a year starting summer '07 (our 10th Anniversary for being overseas is Sept. '07). One big option for that year is to go to school. More equipping.

So, we sit in the admissions office of Fuller Seminary in Pasadena. We see how easily what is offered at the school fits what Jim wants to do and learn for the year we'd be here. A ThM in Intercultural Studies. A perfect fit for him. It adds to what he's done with MDiv, lets him dig deeper in the areas he's using on a practical level. It will be a great year with another degree under his belt. However, there is no easy answer for me in that Admissions Office. The 2 year MA in Theology, Worship and the Arts would mean a lot more Bible Survey and Theology classes (which I've taken at an undergrad level). The Intercultural Studies is more flexible, but would also mean a number of classes that I've little interest in and don't apply to things I like to do. I could search for an MFA program in another LA area school which is the professional degree for artists, and I'm probably short some of the courses I need for admission because of all the Bible and Theology courses I took for my Biola degree in Communication. It is improbable that an MFA course would allow me to integrate faith with theatre in my thesis. An MFA would be 3 years full time. Starting at 45 years old, when am I going to finish THAT?

While still in Pasadena, we visit Charlie, a CRM friend who is struggling on a Fuller intro class he just started. As a right brained artist he's trying to learn to write research papers and do master's level work. He's just started the course and wondering if he's made a mistake to try. "What's the point of all of this?" he's thinking. I think the same way.

We've just come from a weekend on the Monterey Peninsula, and in our Travelodge hotel room, I am reading CANNERY ROW by John Steinbeck (never ever read a book about a place while I'm visiting there! What fun!) There's a chapter toward the end of CANNERY ROW about a poor woman who's purpose in life was to encourage her husband and throw parties whenever she can find an excuse for one. She adds spice to the lives of people around even when they had no money. She didn't have a Master's Degree...or a Bachelor's Degree and she was poor, and she was HAPPY. Oh yes, she's also FICTION! But reading about her hit on something for me. Sometimes this woman's parties were just tea parties for the stray cats around her flat. It makes me cry to read about her. Why does it feel so important to me to have a Master's Degree? It's not just that I live in Asia, where even more than in the West, degrees behind your name give you credibility. It's something else. I don't think it's a matter of me feeling, "If I only had a Master's Degree, then I'd be happy." No I know that my happiness doesn't come from things on the outside. I think it has to do with my desire for influence. I took the Gallup Organization's STRENGTHS FINDER and one of my top 5 strengths was "SIGNIFICANCE." I suppose I long to have an impact in people's lives beyond the small circle I have in my week to week connections. I suppose that this desire to study for another degree is a desire to open more doors to a broader scope of influence. I don't dream of being some "world famous" person. That's not it.

I am a great student. I love studying things and writing about what I'm learning. But what for? So much money for classes, and I already have in my head and heart more information than I have the opportunity to pass on. I like working with people who are beginners. Some of those beginners struggle with the concepts I try to teach from my current pool of knowledge and level of education. Why would I fill my head with more difficult concepts and ideas when I'd have no opportunity or audience to pass it on to? Hmm. I read what I just wrote and realize that I need to be teaching more. It's just dawned on me that I like learning not just for my own personal enrichment, but for the joy of passing it on! That's insightful for me. Hmm. I'll have to think about this some more as I leave it at the "Throne of Grace" for now.

Being a Woman in CRM - My Journey

CRM leaders have been wonderfully affirming and offer opportunities
for me to explore and grow in what God's calling me to do. I don't do
the typical CRM equipping Christian leaders thing. But being a theatre
artist is way out of the box for just about any Christian Institution.
Still, I feel very much a part of CRM and welcome to explore how to
integrate anything that they are doing within my arena of ministry.
It's there for the taking/networking if I want it. This, I think
reflects Sam Metcalf's values and personality. I've always respected
him and am blessed to know him.

You see, for all of my life I've felt like an outsider. Born into a
family of athletes who loved me but didn't understand me, I became a
pastor's wife soon after college (one of the most difficult "roles"
I've ever taken on). Along the way I've asked for direction and
guidance from a lot of people, but mostly got lame "stock" answers.

I've been following the Holy Spirit's leading in my heart - which has
remained steadfastly driven and passionate about performing arts and
serving Jesus Christ as he sets up his rule and reign among us. God's
been faithful in leading! Since the late 80's I've been connected with
Christians in Theatre Arts (CITA), a North American Networking
organization. It has connected me with a few older women who are
Christians in theatre. I am also a life-long member of a new
networking organization called the International Council of
Ethnodoxicologists. As a teenager, or college student, I couldn't have
imagined myself doing what I'm doing now, but it's just perfect for
me! Among other projects, just last week I began working with the
Theological Centre for Asia on developing their Institute for Creative
Arts. It will be a year certificate program for those who want to use
the creative arts in ministry. Their long term goal would be a degree
program. Wow.

Recently I mentioned to another CRM woman here that I feel that in
many ways I'm wired more like a man than a woman. Mostly in regards to
my sense of worth and what I find satisfying. She completely agreed.
She said that she her husband were remarking about it saying, "Why is
it if a Christian man is driven in his career/calling he is
considerred 'hardworking' and if a woman feels called by God to
something outside of nurturing her family, she's considered a bit
'selfish.' It's really not very fair."

I think all these things have, over the years, built a sort of
renegade individualism and loneliness in me. It's been hard to find
other women who have similar callings. CRM has been a sweet place to
know that my uniqueness is from the Lord and that I don't need to
conform to anyone's agenda for me but Christ's. It's also been a place
where I am unlearning some of my individualism and finding more and
more like-minded women for mutual support and encouragement. As you
can imagine this has been both affirming and liberating!

<flushright>

Review 2005

AS ARTIST
Writer
I've scheduled time for writing on blogs and our newsletter at least 4 hours per week. Usually it turns out to be much more than that if I get on a roll! It has been so rewarding to get comments from people around the world responding to what I've had to say in an article.

In November/December wrote the script for WORLD OF NARNIA.



Carving out 1/2 days at least once a month for working on script writing.
Have been plugging away at YOU ARE SPECIAL, but the wind is a bit out of my sails when I recently saw a completed draft with music of the same story written by another colleague here.

Anna Tan’s friend Averyl called ME last week. She’s in Singapore again for a few days, and this time is ready to meet me…after all these years! October was the 5th Anniversary of her death. http://annatan.blogspot.com

Have met more with Dawn Fung this year. Helping her with her magazine Create le Voyage, talking through issues, and doing some editing. She is a great student and very bright girl. www.createlevoyage.com

Teacher/Director
I've been scheduling more time to teach with various drama groups.
Have had a great time teaching a directing and script writing course this year. Held a workshop on Enacted Prayer and explored more it at a Drama Retreat in November. Started a Drama Club for 3rd-8th graders at the children’s new school. (http://ourtheatrecompany.blogspot.com). Directed more than 70 actors with the help of 2 co-directors for the Main Tent show for WORLD OF NARNIA the week leading up to Christmas. More details on http://spicetolife2.blogspot.com (this is the site I use for teaching. It has all my workshop outlines, feedback, homework that the students do on line!, etc.)

Performer
Spent the year exploring Playback Theatre and Enacted Prayer as a healing ministry and means to draw closer to God in worship. Playback met once a week and performed bi-monthly. I sang a few times commercially, for the Asia Children’s Festival Opening Gala, and in church, and Tyler and I lead kindergarten worship for 2 services once a month. In December Tyler and I got to perform together! The scene of White Witch & Edmund for the World of Narnia. That was really fun!

STUDENT
Along with joining a Focusing Leaders Network, This year learning took a personal growth turn as I learned from Marcus Buckingham about the Gallup Organization’s Strengths Finder, and took 2 counseling courses with Grace Institute (at church). Now I’m more familiar with the DISC personality profiles and have some basic counseling skills. I'm considering the course that Danny ho offers next year to get a certificate.

I’ve listened to a lot of books on tape and Mars Hill Audio this year. Our supporting church sent a compillation of sermons on CD for their 50 year anniversary. Those have been pretty good listening, but even still, the best of EVFree Fullerton’s pastors and famous guest speakers feels a bit like “same old, same old.” I’m VERY bored at church and find that worship for me is more focused out doors or in private.

I need to spend more time in prayer about how God wants me to continue learning...if I'm to take up anything that is more formal for Theatre Studies or Writing. I am very diligent and content with my independent learning, and have earned credibility among those who get to know me. For those who don't know me, or if I'm writing or working in the marketplace, I don’t have much authority in my field without the advanced degrees behind it. What does God want?

FAMILY
Wife
Intentionally speaking to Jim in his love languages of touch and affirming words. Asking him real questions (digging deeper), writing more little notes/dropping a line, compliments, massage... speaking up what I'm thinking more (when it is positive things I'm thinking!)
Date nights faithfully on the Fridays we are both in town.
Joined a Mentoring Network with Jim leading it. He felt like I got the short end of the stick since he only met with me once individually.
Took the Faciltator Training course.
New Hobbies we’re sharing: We’ve enjoyed getting to know mac computers together and sharing the photos we take.

Mother
Being firm and strict with the boys about Responsibility. Our transition to the new home and school has been exciting to see a big jump in their maturity, with new chores and expectations. The example from some really neat older kids at the new school has made an impact on them.
I love our Sunday evening reading times together and bedtime prayers. A sweet ritual. Our boys seem so secure in our love for them.

In June we moved to town, changed schools – a major transition which has been great for all of us (except our bank account!). We still need to plan how to keep up with Chinese. That investment has fallen by the way-side.

Homemaker/Host
Oh how wonderful our new home is! Thank you Lord for your provision and the fun it has been to NEST here. I've really enjoyed taking time to sew, and make things for the new home and making it beautiful. I'm so THANKFUL for God's provision! It has been sweet to have many MANY guests coming through that we'd have never been able to host otherwise. The new home is being WELL used!

Daughter/Sister
This has been a sweet year of letting myself miss them and feel lonely for them. If pangs of yearning hit me about living so far away, I have not shoved them aside, but I've stayed with it to allow myself to feel. Different close family friends have had tragedies, been ill or have died this year and I feel very far away. I’ve I've spent a lot of time organizing favourite pictures, making them part of our new home. I need to find ways to love my parents and Kevin's family in their love languages. It's been a good year to spend time with family (July in the states) The In laws came out in December and my parents in end of January 2006. I look forward to having them here and loving them in person.

MINISTRY
Mentor:
Meeting weekly with 2 groups of Artists for spiritual growth and personal development. One has finished (COOS Creative Arts Staff), http://journeyofdesire.blogspot.com
another is starting soon (Salvation Army Creative Arts Staff).
Five Stars has continued again this year. We’ll meet at new years to decide about 2006.
I’ve been meeting regularly with the editor of Create Le Voyage (a Christian Arts publication here) to mentor her in professional development and talk a lot about writing and editing and her future. Was invited to a Drama Retreat in Cameron Highlands in November. The blog I use for writing about Drama as Ministry is http://spicetolife.blogspot.com. The sidebar of most of the blogs has links to the other ones.

Metoree
This has been a year to learn more dependence on others. To ASK for help. It has been a sweet learning experience to see how willing people are to help me. I need to make this a conscious discipline since I am so self-sufficient and always wanting to help others (a trait I’ve picked up from my parents!). It’s mostly been simple things, like asking a 5 star to help me figure out how to redeem points for gifts on-line, or help in shopping to pick out a dress to buy for singing in a Gala, but I even asked a friend if she’d be willing to help with decorating my house and she really did!

Having the Webbs here is wonderful. Lori is a good friend, and we are able to talk openly on nearly every subject. When I’m stuck about something, she’s been a great friend to ask good questions and help me figure out the answers. We had good times talking in March when I visited her in Bandung, but now that we’re neighbors, we’re practically family.

Also, a good friend I knew in China has moved to Singapore this fall. Her 3 boys are older and I really respect her spiritual life and the way she lives her life. Spending time with her will give me a personal outlet to learn parenting, godliness, and help in my character formation of taming my tongue and mastering my critical spirit.
Having these 2 women/peers move here this fall has been a real answer to prayer for this relational vacuum in my life!

Ministry to Supporters
A Scheduled Day of Prayer for them 1-2 times a year.
Writing notes and writing out prayers to people when they let us in on their concerns. This has been a fun practice.

Also need to start scheduling time to call people and talk to them on the phone. I don't do that enough. Rethinking this! I really don’t like calling people on the phone for any reason…so this will probably not happen!

Sending a monthly email I pray that the Lord uses it to encourage our friends. I’ve realized however, that many of our financial supporters don’t do email, but just working on and keeping up with the email list (almost 400) is quite time consuming.

I had great times meeting and praying with supporters while I visited the states in June/July, and Jim had a good meeting when he was there in October. We’ve been lax in sending a mailed newsletter. Shifting to mac in April, I’ve still not got the mailing list converted completely in order to be able to print it out.

BODY
Taking Care of this Temple
Regular Exercise/take a dance class Joined a gym with Jim and the Webbs. We go at least 2 times a week, trying to make it 3. Still wish to take a dance class, but that hasn’t fit in with the rest of life. My kids need to get more exposure to sports too.

See the dentist twice Once for cleaning. Twice for repairs. I’d been very lax about going to the dentist the past number of years, so I’m on the right track now with a dentist here in Singapore. I’ve just learned that I am clenching my teeth at night. I’ve just cracked a 1/3 of a molar off without even knowing it happened, and I broke off a portion of a front tooth this summer!

Get a complete physical exam This needs to be done in 2006. Jim and I both didn’t get to it this year.

Highlights of Last Year

This year I learned to…
Understand others and myself better by taking an Intro to Counseling course, a DISC course, and reading Now, Discover Your Strengths.

I also learned to post audio and video on blogs, and in April, got “back to mac” after 8 years in the PC which meant learning a whole lot of new things for computer.

In walking with God, I grew most in…
Not feeling so responsible for things that are beyond my control.

Another way I saw myself growing was…
Keeping my opinions to myself. Being more open minded. Not needing to convince others or be understood. Listening better. Being part of a team. Not always successful, but I have learned to keep my mouth shut and my ears open just a bit more. Still loads of room for growth there!

One of my best adventures was…
Going to Bandung, Indonesia in March with Cameron. A mother and son trip to visit the Webbs before they moved here and became our neighbors!

I saw/knew God was doing something when…
I sensed, against my better judgment, that I should take on the creating of the World of Narnia for Focus on the Family this Christmas.

A real gift from God was…
A November retreat in Cameron Highlands with the COOS drama team. Doing enacted prayer with them and having sweet anonymous notes.


Something I really enjoyed doing more of was…
Playback theatre rehearsals when we shared through long forms about our lives and influential experiences.


One of the happiest memories I’d like to freeze in my mind…
Just about everything about our June/July in USA:

Camping at Doheny with old friends, being with Linda while she was sick - seeing my children make good friends with the children of my childhood friend. Time with the in-laws. Time in Georgia. A family reunion in Tennessee. Hearing my cousin Ryan Anthony play trumpet as a guest artist in an off the beaten track concert (I never thought I’d get to hear him play live!)


I was really brave when…
I spoke in my parents’ Sunday School class this summer. Any speaking “engagement” is terrifying for me. I did it once last year, and twice this year.

We signed the lease for the new apartment. Can we really afford it, even if it is a great price? It is a stretch. Will people think badly of us as “missionaries” living in a beautiful place?

Something God took from me this year was…
Sally and Franklin moved to Shanghai, Joni and Trevor moved to Perth. My friend Pat was all over the world. Agnes is going to London. Hmm. I purposely make friends with Singaporeans instead of other expats so that I can enjoy some long term friendships…then my good Singaporean friends move away! After 6 years immersed in local schools, and living in the suburbs, we’ve in a way, “given up,” on integrating into the heart of Singaporean life and are now living in a condo and have the kids in an International School. The change was right, but, it is a loss, none-the-less.

I’m still trying to learn what God wants to teach me through this hard experience…
The first few years in Singapore (2000-2003). When we are secure in God’s lavish love for us and are now surrounded by people who do care about us, why can’t I feel healed from those desert years? Why do I feel so guarded and unsure of myself in making friends of both locals and expats? I am not insecure like this when I’m in USA or in any other country, or in professional relationships here…What am I to make of these new feelings of interpersonal weakness? What is God saying to me?

The best word of advice or encouragement I can remember is…
JIM: “Cut your losses. Move on.”
McNair: “The sky is not the limit!”

Something I’m looking forward to in this new year…
Feeling settled, and enjoying the view with new and old friends. Enjoying my husband and children. My parents are coming to visit. Getting more organized and efficient. Reading some good books and learning more. Having opportunities to share life with others.

Being part of a Focusing Leaders Network

Too many times we attend a conference or take a course where we take in a lot of wonderful teaching but in the end, the content never moves from our head to our hearts. Our lives are not changed and we don't really grow. Through the Focusing Leaders one-on-one coaching, combined with the facilitative teaching method used in the group meetings, I see a real change in my life. I didn't just grasp the content, but got a life-long grip on understanding my unique purpose (or calling) and the process of fullfilling my destiny.

Next Year

Once this is over I plan to get back in earnest in working on a children's musical of Max Lucado's YOU ARE SPECIAL.


As a commmercial singer she's the voice behind the silly MARIGOLD BANANA MILK commercial, delighting children and annoying parents through Singapore TV and Movie Theatre commercials for a number of months. Her outdated directory of more than 1000 dramas for worship is downloadable for free from her website www.drama4church.com. Before moving to Asia,
K!Mberly lead the drama ministries in her Los Angeles Church. She holds a BA in Communications/Drama from Biola Univeristy.

BONUS!
I like to think of the lyrics of this commercial as what I sing with the LORD. From a 2004 commercial I sang for Standard Chartered bank on Mother's Day.

Personal Calling Statement

God delights in creativity and his creatures. I am called to radiantly reflect his delight and add SPICE TO LIFE!

First, helping Christians discover His Creative Spirit in themselves, and illuminating the truth of a personal God in fresh and tasty ways.

Then, helping the spicy friends I've made recognize and submit to the source of their creative spirit.

Through personal relationships, writing, teaching, directing and connecting, I am called to model holiness to the Artistic, and artistry to the holy!

At the end of my life, I see the world full of Christ followers creatively and hopefully celebrating life because they are made in the image of their Creator and are purposefully living out this short earthly existence with a strong sense of their unique and God-inspired destiny!

My Core Values

1. Grace not Grudges - people will let you down and life will be hard.
2. Spicey not Bland - Creativity brings spice to even the dullest parts of life. Even in my home management style of organized chaos!
   
3. Freedom not Bondage - Listening and followind the truths of God not the lies of the Enemy.
4. Affirmation not Criticsm - We're all unique and imperfect. Focus on the positives in life and in others.
   
5. Open not closed - Being transparent and Real. Honesty with grace.
6. Faithful not Famous - dependablility and loyalty, ego on the altar, audience of One.
   
7. Fit not Flabby - always learning and growing, keeping mentally and physically fit.
8. Clear not Fuzzy - always working at clearly communicating. Understanding and being understood.
9. Beauty not Boring - finding ways to live celebrating all 5 senses!
10. Productive not Passive - I value checking off lots those little boxes on the "To Do" list! Wanna get stuff done. Make a mark. Can't do that while watching old sitcoms on TV!
    

Purpose and Personal Vision Draft

My purpose is to radiantly reflect God's delight in creativity.
I want to model Holiness to the Artistic and Artistry to the Holy.

VISION
The world sees Christianity as backward, unimaginative and boring. And it's true. We've earned the reputation.

My desire is that I will reflect HIS Creative Spirit to everyone I meet and illuminate HIS truth in fresh and creative ways.

I see the world full of believers who are creatively celebrating life because they're made in the image of their Creator!

Through modeling, writing, and teaching, I see my unique contribution to this vision as helping the Christians I know add SPICE to LIFE, then helping the SPICEY friends I've made recognize and submit to the source of their creative spirit!

Roles & Goals for the year ahead.

MINISTRY ROLES

Director/Teacher/Facilitator
i've been scheduling more time to teach with various drama groups.
Have had a great time teaching script writing. What's next?
Exploring Playback and Enacted Prayer as a healing ministry and means to draw closer to God in worship.
Meeting weekly with 2 groups of Artists for spiritual growth and personal development. One has finished, another is starting soon.
Meeting regularly with the editor of Create Le Voyage (a Christian Arts publication here) to mentor her in professional development.

Writer
Carving out 1/2 days at least once a month for working on script writing.
I'd like to finish YOU ARE SPECIAL by early next year and submit the script to a competition to be able to get professional feedback on my work.
Once that is finished, I want to start working on a new play with an original storyline.
I've scheduled time for writing on blogs and our newsletter at least 4 hours per week. Usually it turns out to be much more than that if I get on a roll! It has been so rewarding to get comments from people around the world responding to what I've had to say in an article.
I need to find an upward mentor to help me learn more about writing for a broader audience.

Ministry to Supporters
A Scheduled Day of Prayer for them 1-2 times a year.
Writing notes and writing out prayers to people when they let us in on their concerns.
I'm still dinking away at getting up to speed with our mailing lists, but it's a tedious and boring job.
Also need to start scheduling time to call people and talk to them on the phone. I don't do that enough.
Sending a monthly email I believe that the Lord uses it to encourage our friends who are part of our support team. It's not just US doing ministry. God has called them to be where they are and I pray that they are inspired to creatively live out their calling when they read about how God is leading us here.

Wife
Intentionally speak to Jim in his love languages of touch and affirming words. Asking him real questions (digging deeper), writing more little notes/dropping a line, compliments, massage... speaking up what I'm thinking more (when it is positive things I'm thinking!)

Mother
Being firm and strict with the boys about Responsibility. Our transition to the new home and school has been exciting to see a big jump in their maturity.
I love our Sunday evening reading times together and bedtime prayers. A sweet ritual. Our boys seem so secure in our love for them.

Homemaker
Oh how wonderful our new home is! Thank you Lord for your provision and the fun it has been to NEST here. I've really enjoyed taking time to sew, and make things for the new home and making it beautiful. I'm so THANKFUL for God's provision! It has been sweet to have many guests coming through that we'd have never been able to host otherwise.

Daughter/Sister
This has been a sweet year of letting myself miss them. Feel lonely for them. If pangs of yearning hit me about living so far away, I have not shoved them aside, but I've stayed with it to allow myself to feel. I've spent a lot of time with favourite pictures. printing them on fabric and sewing them on pillows to place around the house. Like this one I just made for my nephew.
I need to find ways to love my parents and Kevin's family in their love languages. It's been a good year to spend time with family (July in the states) The In laws are coming out in December and my parents in end of January. I look forward to having them here and loving them in person. We'll also spend time next summer in USA. YIPEEE.

Student
I need to spend more time in prayer about how God wants me to continue learning...if I'm to take up anything that is more formal for Theatre Studies or Writing. I am very diligent and content with my independent learning, and have earned credibility among those who get to know me. But for those who don't know me, or if I'm writing or working in the marketplace, it doesn't give me much authority in my field without the advanced degrees behind it. What does God want?
I've taken some counseling with Grace Institute, and I'm sensing that I ought to pursue the course that danny ho offers next year to get a certificate.
I'll also be taking the Focusing Leaders Facilitator Training course.

A Mentoring Plan

Have a lunch planned in 2 weeks with LS. I think meeting with her will give me someone to learn parenting, godliness, and help in my character formation of taming my tongue and mastering my critical spirit.

I'm waiting on a date from the Creative Arts staff of Salvation Army to begin mentoring a small group for them. Probably will start in January.

Have stepped up to take more of a pastoral role with Tapestry Playback Theatre and am enjoying expanding the postit note timeline with playback in our rehearsal/jamming sessions.

Next Monday night is a gathering of Christian Artists in Singanpore. I'm organizing a chance for worship and sharing about how God has worked in our lives through having fellowship and community with other artists. We'll see what new may come from that night.

Need to schedule time to skype with Sally and Joni about their marriages and walk wiht Christ. Plan to do that at least every 2 months.

Living Out My Calling

A week away in Cameron Highlands last week was a sweet time with the Lord. Resting, being quiet with Him. Enjoying peace. Being thankful for not being so driven as I used to be.

Another sweet gift was that one of the leaders of this group asked everyone to write encouraging notes to one another. I received a dozen or more notes from the group. Many of them I was just meeting for the first time. Some I have known for a while and they know me pretty well. Their notes to me gave me a window into how God works through me in people's lives.

I still feel like I haven't learned to really "LET GO" and be free in Christ to be who he's made me to be. I feel like I'm just making baby steps at FEELING PASSIONATELY again, and yet, it seems that the Lord can still use me, where I am right now, to encourage others to be more free and fully alive in him. How sweet that just before we celebrate what we've been learning in the Focusing Leaders Network at Grace, I get to receive notes like the ones below were such a gift to know that just being myself, as I draw closer to God, is helping others know him and worship him with more freedom and delight....

A significant way God has challenged me this year.

When I start wondering WHY about things in the world I don't see God's sovereign hand in, stop wondering, and keep asking HIM to show me where he is in it. (ie. spread of Islam, poverty and AIDS pandemic, violence & terrorism, corruption, ineffective Church, Christians with small worlds/myopia, natural disasters)

Ask more questions/Seek help from others - I've been working at forcing myself to ask for help from people. Learning dependence on people and the Lord.

Make an effort to meet with potential mentors. (especially in parenting through adolescence - which is coming soon!)
Keep fit (I just signed up with SAFRA gym for a year!) A woman who has older children and whos parenting and spiritual life I really respect just moved to Singapore last month. I think part of it is God's gift to me in having someone I really look up to be in the same city for this season of my life.

Now, Discover Your Strengths

I've listened to the book on tape this week and taken the Strengths Finder on line (you must purchase the book for the code to take the test). I've now learned my 5 top strengths according to The Gallup Organization. No big surprises. Now, what to do? I know I should FOCUS on them, but I'm still stuck in the bog of doing a lot of administrivia and keeping track of details even though I'm no good at it. And there seems to be no way out. Maybe I should quit communicating by email. That would simplify my life.

DO Questions

1. What are you working on?
2. What's your vision?
3. What's God calling you to accomplish?
4. Does it scare you?
5. What's your dream job?
6. What would acheiving this do for you?
7. In what activities are you most confident?
8. Are you ready to push for more?
9. how do you want to develop professionally?
10. What skill do you want to learn?
11. Do you make enough money?
12. What are your unique gifts and abilities?
13. What opportunities are you missing?
14. When will you take extra time to hear from the Lord?
15. Who do you celebrate with?
16. What if money weren't an issie?
17. What do you LOVE to do?
18. What's your passion?
19. What are you not saying?
20. What options do you have?
21. What's success for you?
22. How do you attract success?
23. What's your next step?
24. When will you do that?
25. What will you do this week on that goal?
26. What's keeping you from acting on this?
27. Do you have a clear stratetgy?
28. Are you staying on task?
29. What if...
30. Why not?
31. Why are you working so hard?
32. What drives you?
33. How could you minimize thata risk?
34. Why are you limiting yourself?
35. Who else could do it?
36. Do you have the partners you need?

Who Questions

1. What has God been saying to you?
2. Who are you?
3. Are you ready to discuss this?
4. Where has your character been challenged lately?
5. What 3 things/activities could you cut?
6. Where does your family fit into all this?
7. Do you pray because you have to or because you want to?
8. How's your soul?
9. What's draining your energy?
10. What's holding you back?
11. Are you ready to change?
12. He's talking. Are you listening?
13. What the name of your kid's teacher?
14. How many friends do you see each week?
15. How are you developing personally?
16. Who do you want to become?
17. When do you feel at your best?
18. How do you learn best?
19. What books are you reading?
20. Is that a limiting belief?
21. What's your greatest strength?
22. How do you relax?
23. How do you want to grow?
24. What's the real problem?
25. What do you want?
26. How are you developing spiritually?
27. What temptation are you facing?
28. What do you like best about yourself?
29. What motivates you?
30. What's stressing you?
31. What questions should I have asked?
32. What do you need from me?
33. Are you thriving spiritually?
34. When was your last experience of spiritual renewal?
35. Who are you learning from?
36. What do you wish I knew about you?

ALWAYS

I like to think of the lyrics of this commercial as what I sing with the LORD. From a 2004 commercial I sang for Standard Chartered bank on Mother's Day.

Thanks Mary Engelbreight HOME magazine

Thanks Mary Engelbreight HOME magazine
Originally uploaded by K!Mberly.

I love the section in the magazine that interviews an artist. What inspires them. How they got started. Advice. Great stuff.

BIO for Magdalena Project

Kimberly Creasman, a Dramatist, is a Permanent Resident in Singapore. She spent the first half of her life on the other side of the world in Los Angeles where she studied theatre was never mugged. In 1997 she moved to Asia for the second half of her life. After two years of language study in China, and five years here, she’s still slogging away at the P3 level Chinese syllabus. She’s had to come to terms with the fact that she’s not going to succeed in a new career as a Chinese scholar, so she’s thanking God for her fall back career in Theatre (well, yes, and also thankful for a husband with a decent income). Since coming to Singapore, she’s taught courses for adults, which includes Playwriting, Acting, Using Drama in Worship and Drama in Pre-School Education. As writer or director she’s taken on a few projects with All Good Gifts, itheatre and CAN!. As an actor, her favourite roles here have been Anna Maria in the Philip Osment play LITTLE VIOLET AND THE ANGEL (2003), and swimming for two runs of itheatre/Story Theatre's RAINBOW FISH as Starfish (2002). She’s enjoyed a few commercial singing gigs here as well. The Year of the Rooster finds her working with Tapestry Playback Theatre (Singapore), directing the Easter production for Church of Our Saviour, and writing a children’s musical based on the Max Lucado YOU ARE SPECIAL series. Among her other roles, she's probably best known as life partner to James and mom to Tyler and Cameron. If all of the above is not enough, more biographical links to her life can be found in her prolific weblogs (2004). Look them up under her profile this blogspot!

New Tapestry Playback friends

Tyler & Heidi
Originally uploaded by K!Mberly.

In the room we call "the cafe" tyler played sound technician while heidi took a part.

Life Crisis: I thought I was going to die when...

Written Oct 21, 2005:
Focusing Leaders teaches that Life Crisis are what God uses to refine us. When we are supposed to grow the most. An exercise we do is to think over our lives and try to remember when we went through things that felt like death.

As I think I start to realize: Goodness gracious. I was sure boy crazy! I wore my heart on my sleeve. Was such a passionate person. The first times that "felt like death" have been relationships where I had fallen hopelessly in love. Here's a few of the biggest smalll deaths:

1. The summer before 12th grade, I fell for a hunky handsome guy at camp and we started a long distance relationship. At the end of the summer, my folks let me go with a friend up north to visit his family. But, soon after school started, he stopped writing for weeks. I went on a hunger fast for 10 days waiting to hear from him. Spent a lot of time listening to Jennifer Warnes SHOT THROUGH THE HEART album: "I'm Restless." Finally got a letter from him. He ended the relationship. I never heard from him again.

2. After meeting this great Godly guy who was visiting my college for a week or so, he shared his feelings for me, stayed an extra week, showed up at my work (Disneyland), captured my heart, then went back home. We corresponded over the summer and I was smitten. When he came back to attend the same college the next year, he was my friend - a great friend - but couldn't explain why his heart was platonic toward me. I learned over the next 2 years that there were other gal(s?) who were concurrently having the same confusing relationships with him. As friends, I wrested with my affections for him for a long time, and he occassionally would lead me on as if the relationship had a chance of becoming more than friends. God, I loved him and wanted to be with him. He was this moody, mysterious, tall, dark and handsome older guy. Jane Olivor's music, esp. "Come in From the Rain" spoke my heart those days. I worked those years trying to kill my heart & feelings. Be a faithful loyal friend. Be a cheerleader. Deny passion. Control.
There was this riddle he found during those years that expressed our friendship:

My circle circles your circle
Only showing part of me
On your leash I flee forever
Never touching, never free.

I got good at control. Too good. He joined the military. We corresponded a bit. When he called out of the blue a year later, only 2 weeks after I'd accepted Jim's proposal, I dispassionately told him that I was engaged. He sent one last letter. Included the name "Everywhere I Go" from Amy Grant's Unguarded album. She must have had a similar relationship. Later in her album Heart in Motion she sang, "I Will Remember You" which always brings him to my mind. There is a custom at the end of South African weddings where the bride and groom turn to the audience and wave to them. It signifies that you are saying goodbye to all your former attachments. This is a good custom. My old friend and I spoke over the phone only once since both of us were married. We decided that since life is short and heaven is eternal, we'll have plenty of time on the other side to catch up. No sense rocking the boat with our spouses (or ourselves) while we as the Apostle Paul says, "see through a glass dimly" in this life. It was a bit strange, but very okay to say, "I'll see you later." (meaning "in heaven") when we hung up.

3. The summer between my Sophomore and Junior years of university, I fell in love in Paris, and had a wonderful Christmas in Connecticut with a musician I'd met in France. He came to spend the next summer with me in California. We wanted to be together the summer before our Senior year of college. I'd been confused the spring semester when my heart was drawn toward others I'd go out with "just for fun," because we'd said we would go out with others, and not be "exclusive" when we lived so far away. Why would my heart be fickle when I loved being with him so much, knew he was such a great guy, and when he was being so loyal to me? I thought his coming would fix this problem, but When he arrived at my doorstep, I wasn't happy to see him. In fact, I was (I hate to say this now, even though it's 23 years later), I was repulsed by him. What was wrong with me? I tried to "shake it off" as I introduced him to the people in my life. I was in a tailspin and I shared it with my parents, they were willing to pay for him to fly home. I broke up with him, and spent the first month of the summer sobbing all the time. How could I break someone's heart who is good? Especially when I knew how awful it was to be on his end of a break up. I was a horrible person. The Proverb "The heart is deceitful and beyond cure, who can understand it?" became a core conviction. I got no answers or help to work through this and my emotions, my heart of hearts went into deep freeze that summer.

(I'm only now learning to stop wondering about these experiences, and start asking God, "What were you trying to teach me through these experiences? I still have few answers.)

The only really HEART FELT emotions that would bring tears to my eyes in the following 10 years or so, were frustration, anger and resentment. The other feelings of love and attachment were really on the surface. Sad. In those 10 years is when I met, and married my wonderful husband Jim, started a great life together with him, had many adventures, went through infertility, and made a lot of friends, but somehow, I'd protected myself from pain of loss by not caring deeply for anyone. Or at least not feeling like I did.

4. In 2000 we'd moved to Singapore, and I was having a difficult time adjusting to life here, was lonely, frustrated and, though undiagnosed at the time, had fallen into depression. I just couldn't dig myself out of an emotional black hole, and God seemed silent. One day, feeling particularly out of control and alone, I kept Tyler back from school to keep me company. To be my partner in trying to get some things done. To accompany me as I took some steps toward checking "to do's" off the list and not get panicky in the throngs of strangers I'd have to encounter in the process. We walked to the Tampines Mall where I could do some banking, visit the post office, buy some groceries, etc. While in line at the bank I asked Tyler if he knew where the post office was. We'd passed it on our way there, and the line was about 40 people long. I thought perhaps if he stood in line there while I finished up at the bank, then we could get home faster. He said he knew where it was and went ahead. A short while later, I got to the post office and Tyler wasn't anywhere to be found. I retraced my steps to the bank in case we'd passed each other. He wasn't there. I went back down the street to the post office and, in a panic, called out to the room full of people, "Has anyone seen a little blonde boy? I've lost my 7 year old son." People just stared at me, shaking their heads. I called Jim on the cell phone. A while later a woman approached me on the sidewalk. She said she'd seen a little blonde boy standing in line at the Singapore Telecom building across the street.... I found him. He didn't know he'd gone to the wrong building. I was a rattled mess. It was as crazy as I've ever felt. Jim left work immediately to come home. I don't remember what happened the rest of the day. I probably pulled myself together to meet Cameron's bus from nursery school and made lunch and dinner and did some laundry and ironing.

I never cried about this until writing it out just now. What a terrible day that was. My 8 year old Cameron, reaches over to stroke my head and comfort me as I relate the story to him. "Bet you never saw me cry over the fear of losing one of you boys have you? I really love you guys!" I sob. He's a natural caregiver. He spends the rest of the day scolding his older brother for going to the wrong building that day 6 years ago...

My Hopes for a New Millenium

A fresh awareness of the presence of God & a compelling desire to know intimacy with Christ thourh abiding with him and reliance on His Holy Spirit in the big and smal details and decisions in my life.

To know his power in and through my heart, soul, mind and strength to put selfishness and selfconsciousness aside and have boldness and courage in Him.

Genuine overflowing love fore Jim that can't find enough satisfaction in finding new and creative aways to love and seve and partner with him.

To have inexpressible delight in my children and perfect fulfillment in nurturing them and being God's instrument for molding their lives. That my other interests, ambition and opportunities would not take 1st place in my heart and steal my focus from this important role.

An expanded heart and active compassion for the others God brings into our lives. Creativity, insight and courage to love them as a representative of Christ.